My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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