i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
