well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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