My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
