hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Alive.
So much puke
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
