as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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