On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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