Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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