Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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