Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
