I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
