My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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