so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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