I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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