I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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