Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize