Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
