I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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