I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
