Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
