At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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