I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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