Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Randomize
