1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize