Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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