I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
