its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
