haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
