Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize