i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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