Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
