i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
