I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
