I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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