i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
