My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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