How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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