Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
