you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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