dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
