Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
