oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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