I wish I could teleport
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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