sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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