I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
