She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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