meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
