My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
