WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
