well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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