I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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