i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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