I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
