I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
