I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
