now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
