Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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