so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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