You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
