I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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